I love that word. decompressing It just sounds like the largest exhale one can muster. And that feels very good.
I know I have alluded to enormous amounts of stress that Steve and I have been under; especially the financial kind. I haven't felt like I could talk about it before now because much of it was tied up in the legal process. The stress of this is what triggered my bout of depression and beyond that, feeling like I couldn't talk about the reasons behind the feelings left me stifled.
The short of it is that I have received next to no child support for Chaney for nearly two years. And during that same time Steve continued, like always, to pay his own child support for his two older kids so no money coming in + money going out = a big deficit. He worked hard to help pick up the slack and in those two years because of the other family keeping what should have been Chaney's child support for themselves, Steve and I worked to not only support our household but we also indirectly supported their household. Add in his two older kids and all of a sudden, we were essentially supporting 9 people in 3 different households.
That's a big obligation.
And in my most overwhelming moments, I felt like it was my burden to bear, because it was my ex, and that was crushing. In trying to manage my emotions I began to focus on being thankful for a job that allowed me to earn more by working more... but then that created an entirely new kind of stress.
We cut back drastically, and yes that includes fabric ;) , drained our savings, and pulled together as a family to make things work. It was a tremendous test but we also saw over and over that God's provisions were always there; even when someone else was blatantly and willingly causing our hardships.
But then everything came to a grinding halt last Thursday with some long-time-coming accountability for others and some resolution for us. From there it's been one long decompressing breath for our entire household.
This week has brought a new and welcome change. The emotional freedom from the clouds of anxiety hanging over me {& Steve} is a blessing for sure. And even though it's still hot it feels like fall is just around the corner. School started on Monday and we have taken more than a few thankful breaths. New beginnings are nice sometimes and this is certainly a welcome one.
Chaney is now in 3rd grade, happy, healthy and suddenly silly which is new for her. Judo started back on Monday night and while Chaney may not be bigger, she is stronger and is throwing unsuspecting boys {in class} with ease. Violin lessons begin this coming Wednesday and all of a sudden we are back in our routine. Yay!
What does all this have to do with quilting? Not a lot really. But I've always tried to be real here but sharing about my struggles with depression without talking about the catalyst left things feeling rather incomplete for me. So I write all this, first so that I can have a place of reference to remember where our family has been and how far we've come, but also because I know that I can't be the only with struggles, especially financial ones, and of course struggles with depression and anxiety as well.
Things do get better, sometimes it just takes awhile. :) And in the meantime, you find the things that you are incredibly grateful for... like Steve who meant it when he proposed to me AND little 2 year old Chaney and committed himself to creating a family, loving us and keeping us together even when the going got tough.
You can also read more of our family's story here...